Exactly one year today I lost my Dad and I can officially say that it has been one of the hardest, most frustrating and most confusing years of my life. Furthermore, it has also been a long while since I last posted.
Quickly flashing back to last year, at 15, I seriously didn’t expect to be loosing my dad. However the year has also had many positive aspects including an super holiday and other uplifting events along the way.
Lets talk about dad first and get that over and done with. When I lost dad, one year ago today, I was unsure of what that would open the door to, I was unsure of how that would affect me and how I would cope. But I have managed to get through it. Sometimes I am confused, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes I have no feeling at all. The emotions that I have experienced and felt over the last year have subsequently had large effects on things and furthermore they have been the source of much negativity in my life. However they have also been the source of some positivity in my life.
There are those times where emotions take over and I feel a lack of control, I feel that I cannot control who I am. It feels as if there is an external source controlling me and telling me what to do. Now let me tell you, this is shit. I have to make an effort to lock this source or person away. If you have read my blogs before you may no I refer to this person as Richard. I personally like to force him into a cupboard that has about a thousand locks on the door. But I have realised that this is not always sensible as it can sometimes cause a large scale build up of varying emotions that include anger – which is not good. As I described to my counsellor, it is almost there is a battle in my head between Richard and Myself and sometimes he wins and others I do; but that can change within a few hours.
I still have a lot of anger and frustration towards Dad for leaving me like this and unfortunately that is a feeling that I am always going to have about him until I can deal with it better. Before I get any comments it is not immature, pathetic or stupid to have these feelings so if you are thinking that, keep it to yourself and stop reading because you have no clue at all. Being left by him made me feel alone and stranded and that is something that I will always be frustrated at him for.
Another weird feeling is a one where you wake up in the morning after a dream that Dad has featured in and then you have the realisation that he isn’t here anymore. I can’t text him and I can’t call him. However this is the time where I can reflect upon the messages that we sent each other before he died. These are some messages that I wanted to show you as my readers. I will admit freely that I was in tears whilst typing these to my dad, and he admitted that he was in tears whilst replying to them.
Every time that I have re-read these messages since it has made me cry! They mean so much to me and they will never be deleted.
One year from his death I just want to say the following to him:
“Dad, I miss you. I miss you more than words can ever describe. The loss and void that has been left in my life is monumental and cannot be described. I know you are looking down on me and I hope that I continue to make you proud every single day. I love you to the moon and back. Keep dreaming sweetly until we meet again, then we can get tiddly with a bottle of Jack Daniels. But until that day, behave and wait for me!”
Positivity and Moving Onwards
This summer I was lucky enough to experience the holiday of a life time with my wonderful girlfriend Emily and her lovely parents. Furthermore I have also been able to enjoy lovely moments with my mum this summer too. Many of you may have seen my Facebook post back in August about my holiday, but I just want to say again that it was amazing. So many memories made and many that will stick with me for life. I just want to say a special thanks to Emily’s mum in particular – she was the source of most of our mickey taking and she coped very well!
I just want to do some dedicated bit now about certain people.
- Emily: You have been there for me through thick and thin. I know that I haven’t been easy to cope with and I have been irritating at times. I am sorry for my frustrations this year and I am sorry that you have had to deal with them. We’ve been rocky at times but I am very glad to say that we have now become so much closer and we have a much stronger relationship due to that. Thank you for the things that you have done for me and thank you for the things that you continue to do.
- Claudia: Claudia has been there for me through the tough times. She has listened to me blab on about pointless crap sometimes and for that she deserves a huge medal. Claudia has been invaluable throughout my grieving process and I owe a lot of my sanity to her.
- Jess: Jess is like my sister, she has been there from day one and furthermore she never fails to make me laugh when I am down. Along with her mum, they have me in stitches and crikey we’ve had a laugh. I hope you are getting on okay at Sexey’s!
- Barney & Millie: This wonderful duo have been there when I am down, making me laugh and checking that I am OK. They have been amazing friends.
- My amazing ‘in-laws’ who have supported me and given me amazing experiences.
- Mrs Bendry, Mrs Love and Miss Latham who have formed my in-school support and provided me with invaluable support and advice. Furthermore they have helped me develop strategies to deal with my grief and the stress that it causes. They have been amazing!
- Joss – the lady without whom my dad wouldn’t have died in such grace nor dignity and furthermore the person that has provided me with invaluable advice about anything and everything. Thank you just isnt enough
- My Mother without whom I wouldn’t have got close to my dad again and the lady that was cooperative even when they weren’t together. So thank you Mum!
- And finally, it goes without saying the man that has inspired me to write this blog, the man who has inspired me to set up Cycle4Charities and the man that lives on in me. My Dad. I just want to say:
“Dad, I owe a lot to you. You are an inspiration and I will always look up to you. Although our time together was short, I gave so many fond memories and I am proud to call you my dad. I love you with all of my heart and without you there is a void that will never be filled. Keep dreaming and behave. Where ever you are they are lucky to have you”
Thanks for reading everyone and I hope to post again soon. Please can I invite you all to like the Cycle4Charities Facebook Page
All the best!
PS: Congratulations to every one of my friends who got their GCSE results this summer. I wish you all the best for your Post 16 Study or what ever route you are taking!