Two things seem appropriate to start this with. A song and a quote!
The song: Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol, this was the song that was played at my dads funeral and was one of his favourite songs, it is also one of mine.
The quote: “In order to carry a positive action we must develop here a positive vision.” – Dalai Lama. This is a quote that Dad found when he was spending his last few days in Dorothy House Hospice. He used to to install positivity both on himself and those around him.
Now that we have got the introduction out of the way, let me give you a run down of what has happened in the almost 2 months since I last posted (so much for regular posts)…
– I have celebrated my first birthday without dad.
– I have had some really great moments
– I have had some really low moments
– I have had some really stressful moments
– I have had some really relaxed moments
– My head has returned, at points, to its vortexian (I think I made a word up) state
– AND Richard has returned at some very significant points
I’m not going to lie, my birthday was very raw and I didn’t feel myself all day, however I put on a rock solid exterior and I managed to maintain it thanks to my friends, those of you that were in my lessons on that day, but especially to the lovely people that I eat much lunch with (you guys get a special mention). I didn’t really have time for the upset to hit me on my birthday as I was at school until 3, rehearsing until 6, then I had a staff meeting until about 11. So I came home and went straight to bed. Woke up on Friday and it was another day!
Low & Stressful
Well what I have discovered is that I stress myself out. I can’t work out how I am feeling sometimes, this leads to me getting frustrated, this then leads to me getting angry with myself. The anger frustrates me more, then I stress because I am frustrated… it’s a constant cycle! It is so difficult to break out of it!
When I am feeling like this, I feel low, in fact lower than low… I feel as if there is no ground beneath my feet. I think to myself, well who is to blame for this? I blame myself, but then I rule myself out. I blame the doctors that couldn’t save my dad, but I rule them out. Who’s left? The only person I can think of is Dad, but is blaming him justified…? I think so (in a way) because he has left me stranded in this very exposed world, with no ground beneath my feet. Thats not justifiable but any stretch. Now I know some of you reading maybe thinking ‘Why the hell is he blaming his dad? He couldn’t do anything about it!’ – I know this because its the response that I have had before. Now talking to my counsellor, she has reassured me that it is normal for me to do that because it is the centre of all my pain and distress.
Thanks to my wonderful friends, family and colleagues I am able to have some really great moments! So I am going to take this opportunity to thank a few individuals, but I would like to thank every single person in my life for keeping me going. So the individuals…
- My wonderful girlfriend Emily – for being there always and supporting me through the tough times. For loving me even when I am a complete dick.
- My wonderful friends Claudia, Jess, Barney & Millie for always being there even when I am chatting total crap and making you cringe with my dreadful puns!
- My wonderful colleagues at the Merlin Theatre – Matt & Claudia. Matt has been a constant source of inspiration for this blog, despite having to experience a dreadful illness, he’s still going strong – I really look up to him, no more words needed, so thanks Matt. Claudia for giving me the constant opportunities to progress in the world of theatre (even if I cock them up sometimes). Thank you for your support and guidance along the way, for being the Stage Mum and looking after me when I am falling into a heap.
- My Stage Crew pal, and great friend Oli. Despite what mood I am in, whilst doing a show he manages to get a smile from me and calms me down if I am stressed/angry – thanks for the chat tonight Oli.
The list is not extensive and I would like to thank everyone who positively impacts my life.
The Return of Richard and his Vortex…
Now in my previous post I mentioned a bloke called Richard, or Dick for short (he’s not real before you ask), if you haven’t met him yet, look at my previous post. Anyway recently he has returned and he brought with him a vortex of emotions similar to those that I mention in my first post, it has really brought me down, but I haven’t shown my emotions lately because I have hardly had the time to think. But tonight Richard thought he would be clever…
I was entrusted by Claudia (Stage Mum) to do sound for her production and guess what I mucked it up and boy did Richard want to get to me about it, the little Dick was determined in crippling me! The show came to an end, I knew I had mucked up and Richard decided to attack. Claudia (Stage Mum) came to talk to me about things, I knew that I had mucked the sound up for her show. I know that the sound was pretty crap and it was my responsibility, so guess what Richard took advantage of my distress and I had a meltdown. I lost control of my emotions. So I just want to say sorry to Claudia for breaking down and to the cast, band, crew and audience of tonights performance as well as Claudia again for really mucking up the sound! I think I will stick to what I know next time (lighting or calling!). But thanks to Matt & Claudia, as well as Oli for cheering me up!
Well, thats a wrap as they say. I hope to blog sooner next time.
Some quotes to close…
Returning to my Dads favourite quote:
Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks for reading.