Just one of those days…

Why did I even bother leaving my bed?

Life likes to chuck things at you especially when you are low, least expect it or could do without it. Today was unfortunately one of the times life in its ultimate wisdom struck and boy did I know it.

When I emerged out of my bed this morning after experiencing a night of about 4 hours sleep, I just knew that my day was going to be unbelievably rubbish. I was right…

Relationships (family, friends and romantic) are all part of regular day to day life, and they often can form a basis for the way in which we live our lives. Now, when going through a bereavement, every single one of these types of relationships are tested, sometimes to the maximum – this can be a highly emotional time for everyone involved. It can often leave people extremely annoyed, angry, frustrated, upset…the list could go on, however I think you get my point. At this point you are probably thinking – well whats this got to do with anything…? 

Well this morning after my somewhat non-ideal night of sleep, I had breakfast and talked to my mum like any normal school morning but the walk to school changed that somewhat…
I have always had a fairly short temper, however since Dad died, I have been slightly more volatile and my resilience and strength to prevent little things getting to me has decreased significantly. As you can imagine this is not ideal in certain circumstances.
So when walking to school, a normal conversation got to me and despite having hours to think about why it did,  I am still not at all sure why it did. This flip of my temper, caused a tricky, heated and somewhat awkward situation between myself and somebody very important in my life. This I feel incredibly guilty for. I shall not publicly name the person, however those of you who know me will, I’m sure, with a bit of intelligence be able to work out whom it is I am talking about. So I would like to publicly apologise to that person for my outburst this morning.

This mornings events really set me off track for the rest of the day and left me struggling to concentrate (which as a GCSE student isn’t ideal) and I know that my actions wouldn’t have made my dad proud, in fact he probably would have had something to say about it – so Dad, I would like to apologise to you too!

This song seemed appropriate:

 

Working out why?

When I got home, I sat and tried to work out my feelings for about an hour. In this hour, I cried, I shouted, I yelled, I punched a wall multiple times, I tried to write down my feelings but I wasn’t getting anywhere. This just annoyed me even more. But finally I got somewhere, I sometimes get days where my head doesn’t feel like it is in the same place as it was before dad died (now this may sound strange to my friends because they may not think that I have changed as a person) but thats what it feels like. And as for these stupid outbursts of anger, I am going to call them Richard because sometimes they are a total Dick! They really throw me back.

Now as you may remember, in my last post, I mentioned the ‘Five Stages of Grief’ – in the last post I was able to identify what stage I was in, however today I was unable to do that, again this frustrated me!

I apologise to every single person who I was off with today. Its nothing personal, its just Richard trying to get at me. And to those of you who managed to get a smile out of me today and those who were willing to listen to me blabbing about my crap! Also a MASSIVE to Mrs Love (my GCSE Computing teacher) for always being there for me and always willing to listen to me, even if it is a repeat of everything I said not a week before.

What next…

My sincere apologies go out to those who I have been off with today!
My thanks goes out to those who have been there for me today!

Thank you for taking your time to read my blog. Sorry for the somewhat negative vibe! If anybody has any questions at all please feel free to email me on: benjamin.manning99@gmail.com

Shoutout to Matt Tipper for the continual inspiration!

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a fresh start with those who I have annoyed today!

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